Thinking of the first love is a sweet nostalgic memory of a time when you experienced the joy and euphoria of love for the very first time. I don’t think it has too much to do with the person as it does with how we felt during that time. Similar to reconnecting with Childhood friends, it brings a bitter sweet sensation that is undeniably attractive. It was a time when we were in love with the idea of being in love and being loved for who we were, accepted as we were and not much can be more alluring than that. It isn’t just about the person, it is about that phase and time in our lives. Romantic songs from that time hold more meaning as they were anchored with the emotion we were going through back then, backed with a lot of hormones as well for many.
The time of being in love for the first time is one of hope and blissful being-ness, when everything was rosy colored and beautiful and nothing was unsurmountable, we felt invincible. When we rekindle these memories, some of these powerful happy memories of youth come gushing in, this is the allure.
Often the memories of the past relationship when looked at in hindsight may be different for both the people involved.
Some people are generally more insecure and jealous than others, so there is no, one answer to how to maintain a relationship with an ex without upsetting your present partner. Usually when people are very confident and secure in their relationship, they are happy to meet the ex and accept that their spouses are still in touch with them. Some even stay good friends as couples, years down the line.
You may have shared a very special bond with your first love back then but for most people, we have moved on and changed so much since then, with new relationships and responsibilities. Social media has made it so easy to reconnect with old flames, and depending on how painful the break up was, people decide whether or not to reconnect. Don’t do anything that would make your present partner feel uncomfortable or insecure. It is not worth it.
Lines that must never be crossed when you decided to keep in touch with your ex!
Be sensitive to the present partner. If you meet together try not to go on about the past with stories that make you and your ex seem more intimate than you and your present partner. Do not encourage private and inappropriate interactions with them. If you are not sure what’s inappropriate then ask yourself if you would be willing to show the conversations to your present partner. If not, then honestly, you shouldn’t be having it. Don’t give up your present love for your ex, remember that a lot of what you were so in love with didn’t work out anyway back then, and both of you have grown separately in the time apart. You are no longer the same two people and you probably won’t like each other as much anymore.
Communicate clearly and realign your values and make new decisions for the future together. Don’t allow the fear of losing each other or the fear of a fight to come in the way of authentic and open discussions. We are changing as individuals every second of the day, in fact the biggest reason relationships break down is that we forget to tell our partners when we have new interests, desires, or our preferences have changed.
I don’t think maintaining strong ties with an ex could happen without upsetting your present partner/spouse.
Strong ties indicate intimacy and when we allow ourselves to be intimate with others and share our feelings, woes and thoughts with someone, we may be taking away from sharing the same with the partner.
Don’t keep secrets, in a relationship where trust is the main glue, make sure there are the NEVER areas that you cannot talk about. This is the quickest way to kill intimacy. This is different from telling your partner every single detail about your past or your past relationships. Infidelity however, is a killer of any real and trusting relationship, and it is not even just about the sexual indiscretion, it is about all the lies and betrayal that is needed to carry it on.
So be sensible ad sensitive when trying to maintain a relationship with ex, it may not be worth it!
Simply put, intimacy, love and trust go together. In order to be intimate (physically, emotionally or spiritually), we have to let our guard down and be vulnerable. This requires a sense of emotional safety on both sides, and a belief that our partner will not betray or intentionally hurt us. When an ex and furthermore, first love is in the picture, it could definitely stir up feelings of insecurity in the present primary relationship.
The easiest way to sabotage your relationship or marriage is to simply not trust your partner, and to give them reason to mis-trust you.
Learning to communicate effectively is the only way to build trust and if you want to maintain a connection with your ex, then you need to learn how to reassure your partner that you would not betray them and that you are not being “more” intimate with the ex than you are with them.
When you are uncomfortable or simply do not want to do something, all you need to do is be lovingly firm and say “No”. Allow your partner to say “no” without repercussions too. Even if you are disappointed, accept that you are better off being slightly disappointed than having the person you love lie or pretend to you.
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