What It’s Like to Live With: Bipolar Disorder

Anyone dealing with mental illness especially when their family members or friends don’t understand is a struggle to continue to live with and accept what is. Normally there are people who tend to suffer from their ‘Monday blues’, which is a problem at its own stance, hence Women Planet plans to intervene towards Mental Health and explore stories of people who see and experience every day a little differently.

November 2019: Nothing was worse than this month of the year. I am now a little fuzzy about my history of depression, but it started when I was a sophomore in college. I collectively had four different periods of depression. These episodes involved depressed mood, lack of energy, deep feelings of guilt, and some thoughts that life wasn’t worth living. There were even times where an energetic swap to self would also be problematic with irritability and racing thoughts. These episodes of excess energy could last hours, days or a couple of weeks.

On the contrary, there were times when I seemed excited, happy, and self-confident — “like a different person.” I would talk fast, seem full of energy and good cheer, do all the daily chores and start (and often finish) new projects. I would need little sleep and still be up the next day. Amidst all of these, doing daily chores would open me up like a maniac (especially on weekends) when I and my roommate were in the house together. To be very honest, it was a massive part of procrastinating on important things. I would rub whole room and kitchen with all my efforts in a snap. I was living with a person who was exactly opposite of this task. She would always look stunned for what I was up to apart from rejecting her help in “My procrastination.” My working belief would suddenly become “Too many cooks spoil the broth” and I would enjoy it like ‘guilty pleasure’ as it gave me time to overthink. I would become helpless and sob over breakdowns. I would have mood swings like a rolling Dice.

Slowly, everyone started noticing it including me that I needed some help and direction. I started judging and observing myself into my very own behaviors. Started talking it out to different people who noticed my unusual traumas and took a path way out of this. Bit by bit. Often times when I used to read out the details of these rapid mood swings, it appeared all fun and interesting to many, but its nut-cracking hard and awful for a person to go through these stages every day that resonates like a nightmare. The real bummer was that you could realise its happening but at the same time you were miserable being a helpless soul. The sleepless nights and eye bags came as a bonus to this unfortunate event.

Its past two months of this tragic event and I still get severe though less horrid breakdowns that cut all my energy and positivity. But apart from the loopholes, I’ve started to believe that it’s not temporary and One Day there will be an end to this. For some has to win, some loose and I was born to sing the blues.

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